I’ll bet you money that at some point in your life you have heard this saying before. People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. So, if you take an event and link it to an emotion, it will burn itself into your brain and you’ll remember it always.
There was this one couple I was working with that inspired me to start writing this article. I assumed that this would be a one and done article, but when I started doing more research into it I realized . . . I assumed wrong. I said to myself, buckle up and let’s see how deep this rabbit hole goes.
Typically with almost every couple there is one who is considered the “logical” person and the other the “emotional” person. Not to say that people can’t range between the two, but by in large when conversations turn and escalate into arguments these people will tend to default to their preferred stance.
I’ve been working with this beautiful couple John and Jane. They are certainly committed to each other and work hard to support each other. They both used the elements of “fighting fair” with each other and using good “I” statements. For example, I feel supported, I feel that I’m not heard, etc. Until it seems that the I feel statements turned themselves a bit into a feedback loop. Granted using any I feel statement is a non-threatening and healthy way to communicate with your spouse, I found that you can fall prey to this trap.
Now this can certainly look different in every relationship. This can be over finances, where you want to live, employment, etc. In this couple’s case it was regarding their oldest teenage son. To me he seems like a good kid, but recently he was at a school football game and was found drinking with a group of kids and the kids were vandalizing the property. Jane had to pick him up from the police station, take him to the ER at the request of the school, and deal with the stress of the situation. John was home taking care of their younger children. The issue festered between them for months after, as they continued to disagree on his consequence. John was a bit more lenient citing the laws of natural consequences, while Jane was a bit stricter. The reality is that both were right. The problem became that Jane kept going back to the statement that she didn’t feel supported by John because she feared that their son was going down the wrong path. While John was thinking their son made a mistake, he served his punishment by the school, and was like he learned his lesson. John kept saying to me that Jane keeps getting upset with him and keeps saying that she feels unsupported. John said to me that Jane was almost saying, “I already know what I feel so stop trying to confuse me with facts.”
They were having a tough time getting through this. I’m sure that you have had something similar. After all, every couple does, and it typically starts from a place of good intention. It’s good to identify how someone feels in an argument or situation, but allowing emotion to get into your reasoning is like having too much candy. Sure, it feels good and energetic but eventually it will rot things away.
Emotional Reasoning:
Ok so that was a long introduction to this series. I wanted to start this off though with a story first that is relatable. It is absolutely ok for all of us to have emotions and we wouldn’t be human if it didn’t get into our day-to-day logic here and there. This though is where we need to be mindful about these situations.
Emotional reasoning was first introduced by Aaron Beck an American Psychiatrist. While Dr. Beck identified it as automatic thinking, unhelpful thinking, or a thinking error. This is also identified as “I feel, therefore it is.” This is why I said, be mindful of the I feel statements. Sure you are entitled to your feelings but be weary so your feelings don’t rule you.
Examples of emotional reasoning:
In Jane’s case she was fearful that her son was “getting in with the wrong crowd” and his life could go downhill. She was concerned for his future.
A person can “feel fat” despite not gaining any weight.
A person can feel excluded or that people don’t like them, so they never socialize.
What are the five types of emotions?
Enjoyment aka Joy. These are feelings of contentment, excitement, happiness and satisfaction.
Fear is the feeling you have when there is any kind of threat. Now this threat can be real or perceived. A real threat is something tangible, say you’re walking down the street, and someone points a gun and says give me your money. This is a real threat. The perceived threat occurs more often and is more subtle. You ever go into your basement only to get your task done to run out of there as quick as you can?
Sadness has an arrange of feelings. While it is most equated with depression which is a state resigned to hopelessness and despair. It often in real life are feelings of disappointment, grief for a loss, and feeling miserable.
Disgust can be a tricky emotion. While it is mostly associated with a physical reaction to something that smells or looks foul. Disgust can also be a positive of negative emotional response. Think about it, you can be disgusted by someone’s behaviors and actions. This is typically related to something that is seen that goes against our value system.
Anger is the last of the emotions we are going over. This is the emotion that we can very easily see and it is often mischaracterized as a negative emotion. For example, we can be angry about a real injustice and use this as a driving force to enact a positive change. Most people equate it to an explosive argument between two people.
Why is this all important?
I think we all can agree that emotions are a complex bunch. A lot of times they come out of the blue and don’t need to make any sense. My goal here in this article though is to set the “base” if you will. To raise awareness of the issue. This is not to say that you are not justified in feeling the way that you do, the question remains “is it factual?” Sometimes it is, and sometimes the emotion is so strong that it feels factual. Too often what winds up happening is at some point one spouse just starts giving up and walking away.
What can you do?
Raising awareness of this issue is the first step. There is hope regardless of if you are the logical partner or the emotional partner. Click on the link below to have a free copy of a marriage repair kit sent to your email. We share this with you so you can invest in your relationship. As part of the course, there are guided worksheets for you and your spouse to do together. A lot of people find that when two people focus on an activity like this, it has helped couples have those needed quality discussions.
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