It goes without saying that all relationships are different. Each one is unique like a fingerprint or a snowflake. Everyone, although similar, will have unique strengths and challenges that make your relationship your own.
I’m sure that you would agree that it is best for us to be proactive with solving problems while they are small and before they become something larger. What came to your mind when you read that? For me, it is my routine car maintenance and oil changes. I know that I’m certainly guilty of not doing this and putting these things off.
Granted there are going to be times where your car is going to have major repairs that are unavoidable, but albeit they are rare. Most of the time there are little warning signs we get first. It could be a thump thump thump from the wheels when we are accelerating. It could be a rumble or a vibration you feel in the steering wheel or gear shifter. Maybe it’s the check engine light or oil light that comes on.
Either way, what do we often do? We fix our car. Just like the car, we also should fix our marriage.
Oftentimes couples will identify that arguments and conflicts are a tell-tale sign that your marriage is heading down a bad path. I wrote an article on conflict in a marriage and when it is a healthy thing. Click here to review the article conflict in a relationship can be healthy. The five things you can do today to set the foundation for healthy conflict resolution.
What happens when it is no longer just a healthy conflict or even some playful banter?
Four signs your marriage is failing.
1) Avoidance of tough topics.
If this is the only problem, you have in your relationship it can be either a little problem or a sign of a big problem. Have you heard of the three responses we automatically respond to stressors or perceive threats? It’s fight, flight, or freeze. Sometimes we will respond to hard conversations by just avoiding them. Why do we do this? It can be from a place of consideration where we don’t want to hurt our loved one’s feelings. Maybe we don’t know how to have those hard conversations. It could also be the feeling like you are walking on eggshells with your spouse. So we avoid topics and kick the can down the road. The problem is it always comes back to bite us in the end.
2) Decreased Emotional Intimacy.
One theme you can take from reading my articles is I am a firm believer in emotional intimacy. Society and social media want to reinforce the idea that physical intimacy i.e. sexual intercourse is a basic human need. I will challenge any man or woman in this thought process. The basic human need is not sex, but to be loved. To be close to your spouse's heart and soul. Click here to review the article I wrote on Ways to develop emotional intimacy with your loved one.
3) Constant Criticism or Contempt
I’m choosing my words carefully here. It’s important to focus on the combination of both the words criticism and contempt. While no one really likes to be criticized it is a healthy thing to listen to other people’s criticism. We tend to call it constructive feedback. But what’s the difference? Well one is talking to your spouse to build them up and hoping that a positive result will occur. While the other is coming at your spouse where you are looking for things to be critical of and to twist the knife. Oftentimes I will hear spouses use the excuse, “Well I said it because it’s true.” Ask yourself though, what was your purpose in saying it? You see the truth should be served like a warm jacket and a hug, not as a blunt club over someone’s head.
4) Defensiveness, withdrawal, and ignoring
This is where you see one topic really building on another. If you are seeing your spouse do this or you are doing this, pay close attention. Remember what I said earlier about fight, flight, or freeze? If you are the spouse who is on the constant receiving end of non-stop criticism or you are the one who is doing the criticizing. Our first response is to become defensive. It’s natural to justify our position and opinions. This in some respect is in the healthy realm of conflict and communication. While you’re in this defensiveness stage you certainly have the opportunity to listen and understand your spouse.
Keep an eye out though for this to turn south, because the next step is going down the wrong path . . . withdrawal aka flight. Now if you are the criticizer if your spouse is withdrawing you should take some time to reflect on what is your desired outcome or what change did you want to see in your spouse. Because if they are withdrawing, not only are you not going to get the desired outcome but you’re pushing them away. If they are flat out ignoring you that is akin to freezing. For both of those responses the person likely sees little value in continuing the conversation, or even worse both of you are ignoring each other.
Your marriage is salvageable even if it seems hopeless!
Just like the car analogy everything in a marriage is fixable. Also just like the car, you don’t want to wait until your marriage is in crisis and one of you is out the door. There is still hope for that too, but it will take more work time and energy. Where do a lot of couples feel hopeless with this problem? If you’re like me, you have tried marriage counseling. Don’t get me wrong, it works for some and not so much with others. This is where a lot of couples are turning to professional relationship and marriage coaches. I see a lot of value in it as they are real people who have gone through real problems and can relate with real solutions. One relationship coach I work with is Brad Browning and the link to his course is below. There are a lot of resources from guided worksheets to do with your spouse. Want to have that hard conversation with your spouse? When you’re focused on the worksheet trust me it’s easier to bring up and discuss these topics. Plus, an E-book and audio course. You can fix your marriage for less than a tank of gas in your car.
References:
https://strengthenmyrelationship.com/blog/2024/3/10/conflict-in-a-relationship-can-be-healthythe-five-things-you-can-do-today-to-set-the-foundation-for-healthy-conflict-resolution/
https://strengthenmyrelationship.com/blog/2024/1/1/ways-you-can-develop-emotional-intimacy-with-your-loved-one/
https://www.marriage.com/advice/separation/10-signs-you-are-in-a-troubled-marriage/
https://www.verywellmind.com/warning-signs-troubled-marriage-2302132
https://www.conner-roberts.com/blog/2024/january/what-is-a-silent-divorce-/#:~:text=A%20silent%20divorce%2C%20also%20known,like%20roommates%20than%20romantic%20partners.