This should come as absolutely no surprise, but if you are ever in any long term relationship with another person you are bound to come into conflict with each other. The thoughts I want to put on paper here are unpacking what conflict is and further separating it.
I found it very interesting the different points of view regarding the clinical research and how the “experts” define conflict. I think it is fair to say that the actual definition has an overall negative spin. One publication defines it as, “Literature states that conflict appears to be synonymous with the words dissatisfied, unstable, unhealthy, dysfunctional, and distressed. Most conflict definitions emphasize the role of perception in conflict, that is, conflicts arise when people perceive that their activities or goals are incompatible with those of the other party. In conflict, people believe that their interests are threatened by the actions of the other person.”
Before we move on to the next steps I want you to do one thing. Take out a notebook and keep track of the times you and your spouse or partner were able to resolve your conflict in a healthy way. What did you both do? I think it is always good to come at problems from a viewpoint of let’s replicate what is working instead of let’s change what isn’t working.
When is conflict unhealthy? Well to oversimplify it is when it degrades into an argument. Once you hit that argument stage that’s where the old saying goes, “Ding ding round 1 fight!.” I anticipate writing another article just about this topic. Whatever you do, don't mimic the talking heads you see on the TV. You know what I’m talking about? The ones where you have a talk show or opinion show where they put on a polarizing topic, and at some point it just becomes everyone talking all over each other like clucking chickens. While it may be entertaining on the TV, it certainly isn’t in your actual living room in my opinion.
How to set up the framework for resolving conflict in a healthy manner.
This is certainly a generalization so interpret it for your specific situation.
- Embrace the mindset of it’s not about winning! If you walk into this conversation already keeping score, then you’re setting yourself up for failure. Life operates in a large shade of gray and rarely are things ever truthfully black or white, good or evil, and right or wrong.
- Identify what the underlying theme is. What do you and your spouse/partner think the issue at hand is. Sometimes you’re both on the same page, but oftentimes you’re both discussing a different topic.
- Establish the common ground where you both agree on. Whenever you start a conversation this way, you will increase your chances of success. Plus it will make you feel better as you both continue your discussion. Here is the thing, most people actually agree on a lot of things.
- Get to some ground where you both have some consensus. This is otherwise called where can we both meet in the middle? No couple can agree 100% on everything, that is completely unrealistic. Most couples can find common grounds, and this is where the give and take can exist. The give and take has to feel equal though, although it doesn't have to be a one to one ratio. Meaning if one person feels that they got one very big point agreed on and the other person has five little points agreed on; it is possible that both can walk away satisfied.
- Respect that on some points where you can’t achieve a common ground you at least have more clarity. A common phrase to use is, “We don’t have an agreement on this topic but we at least clarified each other’s position.” This is the part where you have to refer to step number 1, this isn’t about winning.
These skills can be perfected and used in all aspects of your life. I personally feel very blessed with all the discussions I have in both of my personal life and professional life. For example, on the day that I’m writing this blog article, I was involved in a discussion with two of my coworkers. A conservative, a liberal, and a self identified socialist were discussing gun control reform. While this sounds like either an opening for a bad joke or a recipe for disaster it was actually a beautiful conversation. When we all came from the point of topics where we all agreed on, we found that there were realistically only a handful of points where we disagreed on but came to a better understanding of each other’s points. At the end of the day we all walked away from the conversation still friends, and that’s the important thing.
So how does this translate to you?
Granted working in the field of social work and counseling I have some background of remaining calm and keeping my emotions in check. Well to be fair somedays are better than others. What can you do to develop these skills for yourself? This is where a lot of people are going the non-traditional route of self help books and working with relationship coaches. There is something to be said where you have real people just being able to relate to you and walk you through situations.
People don’t plan to fail. People only fail for lack of a plan.
References:
https://strengthenmyrelationship.com/blog/2024/2/14/my-spouse-or-partner-doesn-t-listen-the-five-steps-you-can-work-on-today/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1435728/
https://scholars.fhsu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1153&context=theses#:~:text=Past%20research%20regarding%20the%20link,agreement%2C%20compromise%2C%20and%20humor)
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5181851/
https://www.verywellmind.com/the-toll-of-conflict-in-relationships-3144952#:~:text=4%EF%BB%BF%20When%20it%20is,be%20harmful%20to%20everyone%20involved.