Overview
This article is going to get pretty deep and cover some hard topics. This is hard for both men and women, as I’m sure you’re going to read on about. When you picture a man in your head. Maybe the one you want to date as a woman or the kind of man you aspire to be as a man. I’m sure you are picturing someone like this. Someone who appears strong and put together. Someone who can be her rock to hold her up in difficult times.
Men overall do put on a face of being strong and stoic. There are some societal expectations that men put on that face or put up that wall to hide our emotions. It’s that squishy teddy bear that most women are looking to get to. Ladies know what I’m talking about, there are those big burly men who are tough when in public, but warm and fuzzy with them in private.
Here is the quiet part that men don’t say out loud. Men want to let you ladies in there. While some are more comfortable bringing down the walls quicker there are others who are going to be more selective of who they let in.
Who hurt you?
Let’s set the foundation. I can certainly write about traumatic incidents that people are exposed to at a young age that certainly impacts how both men and women see the world. There is a lot of research exploring the effects of adverse childhood experiences that can impact an individual’s worldview. In short, if you grow up in a loving and nurturing environment you’re likely going to see the world as a safe place. On the other hand if you are exposed to the exact opposite you’re likely going to see the world as a place that is unsafe and dangerous.
Intimate partner violence plays a huge factor. Now this may come as a surprise, but according to studies, “There is ample evidence to suggest that women are as likely, if not more likely than men, to commit intimate partner violence (e.g., Archer, 2000).” This may come as a surprise to some and not so much to others. When we think of intimate partner violence it is true that men are likely to hurt women physically, and the study does reflect this. However, the study goes on to talk about how women hurt men. Women engage in a much deeper assault that is related to character assassination. They will start rumors, make false accusations, and will attempt to destroy a man’s reputation. The old saying goes, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”. Think about this for a moment. That man who allowed himself to be vulnerable, and how do you think he feels with someone who took advantage of this vulnerability? This form of intimate partner violence goes very overlooked because you never see the emotional scars on anyone. In fact both law enforcement, friends, and family alike are more likely to tell a man to “suck it up”. This is a direct quote from one of my clients.
Let me be clear, as it relates to intimate partner violence it is absolutely inappropriate for anyone to engage in this regardless of your sex.
What can you both do?
Gentlemen you have a role to play too. First we need to be true to ourselves and reflect on the bad choices we have made with our past relationships. We make up for bad choices by making better choices. Recognize that not everyone is going to hurt you, but this is a risk we all take.
Ladies listen to your man. You can review my previous blog post on reflective listening. Take the time and listen to understand without judgment.
Click here to go to the post.
Ladies be patient and let him take the lead. Here is one thing to consider is that depending on his history, he may have come up with different coping strategies to deal with his past. It may just be that, it is in his past and may not need fixing. This also may be an exercise in patience and playing the long game for you.
Ladies and Gentlemen. Both of you recognize that we are all imperfect humans. You are both going to make mistakes. Give yourselves and each other grace.
What can I do next?
Ladies this is a good start, and thank you for reading this article. The goal here is to bring one of the biggest issues into the light. There is always a fix, so never give up hope. Learning how to open your man’s heart is something we have helped a number of women do. What can you do to open his heart and get him to commit? There is a hidden emotional need that every man keeps secret. Click below to learn more.
Conclusion
This information is certainly generalized so you will have to take the topics here and interpret it for your specific situation. Never judge a book by its cover. There are also a number of other factors that certainly play into why men don’t trust. Regardless, it is everyone’s responsibility to manage and address your respective issues.
References:
https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fnbeh.2018.00081/full
https://strengthenmyrelationship.com/blog/2024/2/14/my-spouse-or-partner-doesn-t-listen-the-five-steps-you-can-work-on-today/
https://www.calm.com/blog/trust-issues#:~:text=Are%20trust%20issues%20a%20red,hurts%20or%20unresolved%20emotional%20challenges.
https://tantricacademy.com/men-with-commitment-issues/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-true-love/201902/eight-common-fears-that-men-have-of-making-a-commitment