I’m sorry what? Are you sure you told me that? I don’t remember you saying that.

 

Sorry for opening with the cheap laugh there. How often have we heard this from our other half? Even if you're married or in a committed relationship. I’m confident that there are a lot of statements your other half has said when he or she didn’t listen to what you said.

 

 

The last article I wrote about communication, you can click here to review it. This article is aimed at building on that. Listening is at the basic level the two parts of the communication road of what is being said to you, and what you understand vs what they intended to say. We call this a misunderstanding, and it happens often. 

 

The important part and the one thing I want you to consider as you read this article is give yourself and your partner permission to not be perfect. It is a skill for people to articulate their positions clearly. We tend to think of them as public speakers, debaters, lawyers, doctors, etc. You and your other half are likely average with this skill. So, try to stay positive and avoid jumping to conclusions.

 

 

Yes, there is some truth to how Men and Women both listen and communicate. There is also a difference between how Men and Women perceive that there is good communication going on or the other person is listening. Now Men by in large are very good single taskers. You give a man a task they will focus on and get it done from start to finish as best as possible. This leads to the information men look for when they communicate. It’s mostly a bottom-line specific detail and straight to the point. Women by in large are very good multi-taskers. This is one of the reasons why they excel in careers like nursing. They can be managing six different patients all with a variety of different needs, while starting an IV line, and implementing the doctor’s orders. When women typically communicate, they are reliving the event and buckle up because you’re along for the ride.

 

Now with this broad generalization set, this can spill over into both how men and women communicate and what each considers communication. While there are a few different studies on how men and women communicate, an old study showed that Men communicate better while engaging in an activity, and women communicate better while there is “attention/eye contact”. Picture several men who are all working on a car engine, while they aren’t looking at each other they are communicating effectively. While women may be sitting somewhere comfortable talking directly to each other making eye contact. 

 

Why is this part important and the trap we fall into! Well, it has to do with when we communicate with each other and what we each consider as communication. This is where you and your partner should sit down and come to an understanding of each other’s styles. There are times where one spouse is communicating with the other, and there is an assumption that they aren’t listening because it doesn’t fall in their view of what effective communication is. I’m thinking of an example with a physician who had a complaint against him by patients for not listening to them. The doctor the next time he saw that patient made it a point to spend an hour with her, answered her questions, and came up with a plan for her care. Yet she continued to feel that she wasn’t heard despite him spending an hour with her. What was the doctor doing? He was in the corner of the room on the computer in the patient’s chart and documenting their interaction. Another doctor spent a quarter of the time with the same patient but sat by her bed and made eye contact most of the time. 

 

 

 

Once you and your spouse have come to an agreement on your styles, one of those should be when you are having a serious discussion. We can all agree that a discussion of pick up a gallon of milk vs we must discuss our finances require two different levels of attention. For the latter part it is important that both parties really put distractions aside. Dare I also say it, this includes cell phones. My father always said to me, Son, God gave you two ears and one mouth. Take the hint. Meaning we should listen twice over what we speak. 

 

 

Remember that communication is mostly nonverbal. This means how we are sitting, our body posture, and the tone of our voice to say the least. Make eye contact on a regular basis. Nod your head and use timed phrases like “ok, yes, let’s clarify” to show you’re listening. Let your shoulders relax into a neutral position and try not to be tense. While sometimes a deep breath is nothing more than a deep breath, be mindful of the little non-verbal digs we all do. It can be a sigh, an eye roll, a little “whatever”, a “psst” (I make a little sound with my lips that drives her crazy), etc. I would bet money that most fights are triggered by one of these little digs, am I right?

 

 

I believe I mentioned this in the other article on communication, or maybe I just thought of it in my head. Most of us have fallen into the dreaded trap of listening only enough to respond to the other person, and not to understand. This has led to one skill being completely warped and twisted mostly by social media and people who want to be disingenuous to put words into someone else's mouth. This phrase is, “So what I understand you said was . . . “. When you are using this in a genuine conversation to understand the other person, you are asking with curiosity. Remember the four-way street? What the other person says may not be what they thought they said. Plus, what you understood them to say may be even different. Now both people must be open to giving and receiving the feedback. Give yourself permission to not be perfect, and misunderstandings are no one’s fault. You can also say, “Hold on, I want to clarify something. What I understand you said was (enter your understanding here). Am I correct, and is there something that I missed?” Allow the other person to clarify their statement. Also allow this part of the process to take extra time and be aware that it can be intense. At least for me as I know I feel drained after a big conversation. I feel it takes a lot of time and energy.

 

 

My father told me, “The only one who can truly judge us is God himself.” Now don’t worry I’m not going to hit you over the head with a bible lol. Think about it this way, do your best to humble yourself. It’s ok for two people to disagree on topics and not meet eye to eye. It doesn’t mean that they or you are a bad person, rather you have different opinions. I feel that when we are rendering judgment, we are putting ourselves in a position of moral superiority. Think of a time when you were on both ends, being on the moral superiority end and the receiving end. In those instances, did either of you change your mind? I would bet not, rather I imagine you both walked away upset with each other. One of the best ways I heard someone diffuse an argument was to say, ok thank you we have a better clarity of each other’s viewpoints but not consensus. If someone drops something that is emotionally triggering, feel free to say something like, “Ok I’m not sure how to think on that subject. Let’s table that so we can both sit with it.” 

 

 

“Ok kids now don’t fight dirty,” is the phrase that is running through my head. Granted we all have been there where we say something that we know is just on purpose to upset the other person. Sure, you may have felt good at the time, but in retrospect who was being the bigger jerk? Also, at times people can use the truth as a weapon. The truth should be served as a warm jacket, and not a knife in the back. One of the best ways that I have found works for me is don’t attack the person rather attack the plan. The example that comes to my mind is, “Honey we should look at our finances. It seems that the plan we have been trying to put in to save money hasn’t been working. Let’s take another look at it and where things are working and what isn’t working.” That sounds better than, “Honey what is all this money you’re spending on Amazon?” The first is more inviting of looking at the overall numbers, while the second is “SHOTS FIRED”! 

 

“Our plan to (insert undesirable situation here) isn’t working. Let’s sit together and see what we need to change to make it work better.”

 

 

Listening to someone and having them feel heard is certainly a skill. It’s also like a muscle. The more you work it the stronger it gets. Give yourself permission to fail, and also give yourself permission to not see eye to eye. Everyone has different opinions, and those should be cherished. If we all thought the same I think life would be boring after all. Find things that you both agree on, things you can come to a compromise on, and the final things where you are likely to not agree on but you both gain a better clarity of each other’s opinions. 

 

 

 

 

https://strengthenmyrelationship.com/blog/2024/1/31/is-verbal-communication-a-two-way-street-in-a-relationship/

 

https://www.centenaryuniversity.edu/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/Triple-A-Listening-Supplemental-Reading.pdf

 

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/322722211_The_Power_of_Listening_Lending_an_Ear_to_the_Partner_During_Dyadic_Coping_Conversations#:~:text=Attentive%20listening%20while%20the%20other,behaviors%20and%20higher%20relationship%20satisfaction.

 

https://wayne.edu/learning-communities/pdf/becoming-active-listener-13.pdf

 

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352900816300231