While I was invested in the different levels of reading and research for writing this article, I was mired in all the information that is out there on the topic. I decided for this article I am going to strive to break things down into individual buckets. After all, we are dealing with couples and people who have many intersecting opinions and situations.
What do I mean by this? When we hear a word, we instinctively draw a picture in our heads on what that word looks like. There are words that are strictly objective that we all are going to draw very similar images. For example if I write the color “BLUE”, you likely pictured something like the sky, water, or something that is objectively blue. Now take the word “COMMUNICATION” and we all can agree that is something very subjective. You may be picturing two people talking across a table, a group of people in a boardroom, or maybe even a telephone. To confound the subject even more you can even bring in the topic, subject, or information of what people are communicating about. You can imagine how subjective this term is.
What I want you to consider reading this is to be aware to not mix up the term communication with another topic. With couples this is typically known as conflict resolution, and this we will be separating into a different bucket.
Let’s Define Communication and break it down:
The Oxford dictionary definition defines communication as, “the imparting or exchanging of information or news.”
That’s it, thank you folks and good night! Just kidding.
A lot of experts and articles say that “Effective Communication is a two way street.” I’m sure you have heard that before right? Well I am going to challenge that thought process a bit. I believe that effective communication between two people is a four way street or process. The first part is what you actually say. The second part is a bit two fold. It is what you meant to say and what the other person understands. The third part is what the other person actually responds to. The fourth is also two fold, and it is what the other person means to say and what the first person understands.
Let’s take a moment and think about this. I’m sure you’re going to reflect on a conversation you had at some point where things went left and off the rails. Where you have had others accuse you of saying things that you know you never said. This is how things go down.
Take a look at the graphic above. It breaks down each sentence both respective people say in a conversation. Rinse and repeat until the conversation is over to either a satisfactory, neutral, or unsatisfactory conclusion.
Let’s take an imaginary couple, Rachael and Bill. Rachael wants to have the garage cleaned out so they can park the cars inside for the winter. Rachael sees it as a benefit for both of them as they won’t get out in the rain and don’t have to clean the cars off if it snows. While Bill wants to do it, the garage is not only a big project but has turned into the family’s dumping ground for a lot of items. Some are needed and have a place in the garage and others are just clutter.
Now if we were all perfect at communication the conversation would look something like this. Rachael: Bill honey can we clean out the garage this weekend? It is something we talked about and we can get in and out of the cars without getting rained on. Bill: Yes I understand that, but I’m concerned that this is a big project and the family will need to come up with a better plan to keep the clutter from making its way into the garage.
But I’m sure it would likely be something like this . . .
Rachael: Bill honey, can you clean out the garage this weekend? Bill hears/thinks: ok here is a huge project that is just going to take me all weekend and it will be back to the same condition in a month or so. Bill replies, “I don’t know it’s a lot of work for something that will be back to the same way.” Now what do you think Rachael hears? Maybe exactly what Bill said? Maybe something like Bill saying “I don’t want to do it.” Maybe something worse like a little insult about her making the garage a mess.
Granted this is realistically one sentence or so from each person and some of us reading this can see this couple either compromising or getting into an argument.
What are some things you can do today?
Embrace the phrase, “I want to listen to understand and not to respond”. This is a quality skill to master and recognize it takes time. It takes energy and a willingness to understand the other person. You can use the phrase, “I want to understand your position better. This is what I heard you say (paraphrase it back) is that correct?” Now here is the thing, you must be genuine in trying to understand the other person. Too often in our social media society people use that phrase disingenuously to put words into the other person’s mouth.
Blame the plan and not the person. Like in the first paragraph Bill wants to identify a better plan to keep the garage clean in the future. Other examples may include, our plan to keep the kitchen sink clean of dirty dishes isn’t working. We need to look at it and come up with something new to do. It can even work with individual topics like, our plan to lose weight isn’t working, we need to identify what diet changes or lifestyle changes we need to make so we get healthy. This works provided that you are coming from a genuine place.
Wrap Up
So this here is a behavioral breakdown of verbal communication. This isn’t taking into account the other forms of communication, how we individually communicate, styles of communication, etc. That I will save for another post. In the meantime you can complete the form at the end of the article to download a free e-book for couples. It contains a lot of good advice for both married and committed couples to avoid the different pitfalls and strengthen their relationship.
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