Let’s further define what
Experiential Intimacy actually is. When I first started this blog and started digging into the different types of intimacy I found it very intriguing. Often we will do things in life and then later we will put an actual term to those things. This is what we often call a part of an ah ha moment.
The last version of intimacy in the what is intimacy article is Experiential Intimacy. You can certainly click on the link here, but I felt that I didn’t give it a really good review. There also is not a lot of clinical literature on this that I found, so as always I’m going to give it my best lay person’s opinion. Also I apologize in advance for the abstract nature of this article.
What is Experiential Intimacy?
It is the shared journey of a couple. This may seem like something that really isn’t important. I think that couples who have a healthy level of this type of intimacy have a closer bond that helps to strengthen your emotional and physical connection. Experiential Intimacy is unique to each couple just like an individual snowflake is unique in its own right. This is realistically the couple’s story. The couple’s journey through life all the good times and the bad times. What made them strong and challenged them while they were weak. These individual life experiences each couple goes through further makes their couple’s story unique just like the snowflake.
Why is this important?
Well this is a good question. I propose that experiential intimacy is like the highway connecting all the other intimacy together. Almost like each different intimacy is like an individual city on the map, then experiential intimacy are the roadways connecting all of them. The stronger the roadways the more powerful the effect is. As I’m writing this I am thinking of the time when I was young. My parents would take myself and my two older sisters camping in up state New York. We would all go as a family along with a few other families whom my parents were friends with. Sitting here now I can still smell the scent of the pine trees, the feel of the lake wind blowing over the campsite, the roar of the fire, and all of us just having a good time together. That experience is what I’m talking about, it brought us closer as a family, and why I feel this is important to explore.
So what can we do to develop experiential intimacy?
This is something that is going to be different for every couple. While each couple as you are growing with each other has your “thing”. It could be a song or a special restaurant, but this is not what I’m talking about. For some couples who have things in common it is a bit easier. The couples who enjoy board games may find it easier to develop at the kitchen table. Especially if they can both enjoy a game of Monopoly, as that game has ended a lot of friendships LOL.
It doesn’t have to be a big thing. Try something new to the both of you. Maybe take a cooking class together, or volunteer your time somewhere, or join a book club. It could be something as simple as driving to a small town you never would have stopped in and walk around. The point is after you have tried something, talk about it. How did it work? While you want to give something a chance you also don’t want to force something that doesn’t work. The point is that you are both learning something together that is alien to both of you. You will wind up leaning on each other for support.
Talk about the past. Now this should come with some ground rules. The point of talking about the past is to see what are some things you enjoyed doing as a couple. Maybe you outgrew some of the activities. Maybe the hustle and bustle of life took your focus off of them. Personally I loved going to little bed and breakfasts on the coast. I would sit and just enjoy listening to the ocean and just “be”. You may also have heard about this as self care.
Share your interests but recognize that sometimes it’s also healthy for each individual to have their own special thing. While it’s good for each couple to grow into the other’s interest. It’s important to recognize when that’s just not possible. After all if your partner has a fear of heights you may want to have your skydiving hobby to yourself.
The one thing you may want to consider though is. Go on an adventure. Even one where you plan and pay off prior to doing it. My favorite vacations are the ones I actually plan ahead of time. Make a payment plan and pay it off monthly before your vacation, most travel agents do plans like this. Those are the experiences that I enjoy the most. Talk to your partner this can be one big goal to set for the both of you. Whether it’s going just for a walk in Time Square New York to exploring a mayan temple. Set your goal together. Who cares if it takes you three months or three years to pay for it.
Wrapping it up
I didn’t really find a lot of clinical studies on this topic, so most of my research is going to be on what I found on the internet and my own personal opinion. I hope this article makes you think about your own personal experiences. These shared experiences either forge the way to a strong relationship or they challenge the integrity of the relationship. It is up to us in how we decide to frame it. Even in the challenging experiences we can choose to frame it in a positive or a negative way. They either forge a strong sword or a weak one. What experience came to mind? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
References:
https://strengthenmyrelationship.com/blog/2023/12/23/what-is-intimacy-and-how-it-affects-developing-a-quality-relationship/
https://intimatepathways.org/experiential-intimacy/
https://christinebongiovanni.com/how-to-increase-experiential-intimacy-in-your-marriage/