OK this almost sounds more like a thesis statement for a research paper than a blog article. I find it important to start off with really defining some terms, and discussing the elephant in the room. Society and social media today seems to portray a very basic surface level of intimacy as their definition. It mainly has to do with what occurs under the bed sheets. I’m certainly not here to judge or point fingers, but let’s face it human beings are very social creatures. Jumping right into the bed with someone is certainly fun, but does that impact developing a more intimate connection down the road? Maybe yes or maybe no granted it all depends on the couple. I would think that it is likely the latter as this is putting the cart a bit before the horse so to speak. A very wise man once told me that people long for “that intimate connection”. Without it the “under the sheets” stuff is relatively hollow. It is something to think about.
It is certainly important though to define what the types of intimacy are. There are the common ones we know about and the others that I was a bit more surprised about.
Physical Intimacy:
This is often mistaken for sex. While sexual intercourse is one way that one can be physically intimate, those who are looking for a deeper connection look to add other connections to the repertoire. Physical intimacy is sensuous proximity or touching. It is an act or reaction, such as an expression of feelings, between people. Examples of physical intimacy include being inside someone's personal space, holding hands, hugging, or just snuggling on the couch watching a movie.
Sometimes called PDA or public displays of affection is a way that couples are often physically intimate. Oftentimes we don’t realize what we are doing, but we generally gravitate towards the person we like and want to become closer to. This can look like walking closer to the other person, bruising your hand on the person’s shoulder, or even the subtle nonverbal cues like giggling at the other person’s jokes.
Emotional Intimacy:
This is in my opinion the benchmark of what most people consider “real intimacy”. It is one of the more difficult types to actually quantify if you have it as it is very subjective. It relies on one partner to perceive being close or a sense of closeness to the other. I certainly chose my words carefully there as it certainly is possible that one partner is good at faking or putting on a face.
Couples who have reached a deep state of emotional intimacy have spent time developing a level of mutual understanding and trust. It certainly doesn’t occur overnight. It requires a level of trust and empathy to allow the other person to be vulnerable. I best define empathy as the skill of connecting with an emotion in yourself so that you can connect with another person to relate.
Spiritual Intimacy
Couples who share a level of spiritual intimacy have at the core a shared belief system and values. While this can often be paired with religion it is not a requirement. When I think of spirituality the first thing I think of is the thought of a higher power who challenges and humbles us. There are many philosophers I would consider spiritually intimate even with themselves. After all, Aristotle for years pondered the one question, “What is good?” Even as I type this blog entry I am reflecting about this. It’s the feeling that one must have their own foundation of spiritual intimacy with themselves before being able to have it with others. I’ll have to sit with this and may do another blog post about this later.
Intellectual Intimacy
So if Spiritual Intimacy is like wisdom then Intellectual Intimacy is akin to intelligence. What’s the difference? Well intelligence answers the question, “Can I do this?” while wisdom answers the question, “Should I do this?” Do you see the difference? There are plenty of people out there who are high intellectuals but don’t have a lot of common sense. There is an opportunity for a good connection between couples who have both spiritual and intellectual intimacy. Being intellectual is about sharing your inner thoughts and feelings, and then being able to analyze the why behind it.
Experiential Intimacy
Ok I’m not going to lie when I was researching this blog article I totally read that as experimental intimacy. My ADHD kicked in and was like what you get two intellectuals in a lab mixing chemicals and boom? No this is actually about a connection through a shared experience. This is why it’s suggested that couples do things together like cooking or sharing hobbies. Most recently over the past few years couples have moved from getting each other Christmas Presents to investing in experiences like getaways, or doing things like taking ballroom dancing classes.
Let’s put it together.
If you made it this far thank you very much. Hopefully I didn’t completely bore you LOL. As I’m writing this part I’m reflecting on the different types of intimacy above and realistically how they can intertwine. It’s important though to have a basic definition in order to start other discussions.
So what are some things that spoke to you? What are some of your thoughts? Comment below.
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